When I'm Alone
by Hotaru21
Summary: Remus is often alone. When he's alone, things that confuse him during the day are painfully clear. Remus can't stand Sirius all of a sudden & James tries to find out what's wrong. Will eventually become SLASH, some depressing stuff and other things...
1. Remus

AN: hey, new fic. My other fics will be updating soon, but I felt the need for something new.

**Warnings**: this is MWPP era; this fic contains slash and language. May have some depression and other stuff…..

This fic is about Remus and how he deals with life, love and lycanthrope. I like to write angsty stuff and I'm a sap so I like to write sappy things too! Yay!

JAMES IS OOC because I wanted it to be that way!

Okay, I have a new inspiration since my fish Raoul is dead, my cat Jem. I have no beta because he died; I have no BETA because I can spell.

For Danielle, who helped me more than she knows.

**REVIEW PLEASE!**

I'll take anything, even just a "good", or a "crap", but I love lengthy reviews with comments and I don't mind flames, however you want to express yourselves, just please REVIEW!

**When I'm Alone**

Remus

Remus Lupin sat in a compartment of the Hogwarts Express. He was saving seats for his two best-friends, Sirius Black and James Potter. (AN Peter is non-existent, so deal). His two friends entered and greeted him. James greeted him with a grin and Sirius plopped down beside him. Lily sat next to James and smiled at Remus.

"Hey Remus" Lily said, "Have a good summer?". Remus' heart sank, he didn't want to think about it. The bad……..

"Helllooooooo….earth to Remus" Sirius was shaking him, and then he put an arm around him. "Our Remus is love struck, I think!" Remus' vision had gone dark at the contact and he shrank away from it.

"I'm not love struck, my summer was boring" he said curtly.

"Well mine was fabulous" said Sirius. "O had tons of fun down at the muggle beach"

"Sirius, spare me the details" Lily groaned. "James and I had a lovely time exploring muggle London, didn't we?"

"Yeah, loads of fun!" James said "frightened of anything that moves, muggles are!" Lily glared at him and James promptly wiped the grin off his face.

"Sorry Lils, I loved spending time with you too" James said, and planted a kiss on Lily's lips. She blushed and smiled, while Sirius made retching noises.

"Come on!" he complained, "Get a room!"

* * *

Remus sat alone in his bed. The room he shared with his year mates was empty. They were all down at the start of year feast. Remus couldn't bring himself to join them. He needed time to gather his thought and his racing emotions. He went over what had happened on the train. His friends had all been the same. James coming up with devious pranks and Sirius plotting along side him while bragging about his summer conquests. Remus hated this. He hated it more than they knew. They were always getting into trouble, and Sirius…. Remus knew that he had had many girls, but it still hurt. Remus just couldn't bring himself to say why.

* * *

"Hey Remus, you're looking a bit peaky" said James, "Are you alright?"

"Yeah" said Remus with a small smile. "I'm just a little tired"

"Is that why you skipped dinner?" James demanded. "Remus you're already skinny, you need to eat!"

"Is your answer for everything food?" asked Remus. James grinned.

"Uh huh" Sirius said. "That's why James has to play Quidditch, else wise he'd be as big as Hagrid!"

"Sod off" said James as he threw his pillow at Sirius.

"Right then!" called Sirius as he hurtled himself at his friend. Remus smiled as he watched his two friends try to suffocate each other. Sirius looked up and exclaimed,

"Why Remus, you can't get away so easy!" as he charged into Remus and flung the pillow at him. Sirius' weight crushed him to the bed as Sirius straddled him to beat him with the pillow. Remus was fighting back until Sirius started to tickle him. Remus was lost.

Oh God thought Remus, he's…ha ha ha…..so hot…make him stop…..ha ha ha… I can't…..so strong…ha ha ha……beautiful…..stop it…ha ha ha…damn him! I want him! Remus' mind burst with the thought. He was starting to have a problem…and with Sirius' current position, he was bound to notice in a moment. Then Remus started to feel trapped. He couldn't breathe. The good feeling was gone and replaced by burning fear. Remus had to get away. It was just like before. That darkness… Remus stopped laughing, he also stopped breathing. Remus frantically tried to get Sirius off him and was relieved when James went flying into the pair which sent Sirius sprawling across the floor. Remus jumped up, his face blue-ish white. Sirius went to grab him and Remus flinched away, breathing heavily. James and Sirius looked at him.

"Oi Remus, what's up?" asked Sirius.

"Yeah mate, what's wrong?" inquired James looking concerned.

"Nothing!" Remus yelled, Sirius moved to put an arm around him, but Remus shouted, "Don't touch me! Leave me alone!".

"Easy mate" said James, "We're not…" But Remus had already run out the door.

"What was that about?" asked Sirius incredulously. James however looked pensive.

"I'm gonna go talk to him" he said, "I think something's wrong".

"I'm coming with you" Sirius said.

"I think it's you he's mad at" James said slowly, "Maybe it'd be best if I went alone" Sirius looked solemn.

"What did I do? We've always fought, even when Lily is here…" he said.

"I'm not sure…" said James slowly, "But I'll go make sure he's okay".

* * *

Remus looked up from his seat underneath a tree to see James approaching. He sighed but stayed put. He owed his long time friend at least that much.

"Hey" James said, sitting down beside Remus. He noted that his friend had been crying, but knew not to bring it up just yet. "You've got Sirius and me a little worried Remus…" James said. Remus looked down.

"I'm sorry" he whispered, "I…I was so…" Remus shook his head. He couldn't bear hurting his friends. James patted his shoulder.

"It's okay Remus" he said, "I won't pry, but I do wish you could tell us. You've been off since August". Remus was lost in a battle with himself. He longed to tell, but could not bear to face Sirius. Would James tell him?

"If I told _you_…" Remus began, but he couldn't finish. He was shaking a little again. I mustn't cry again, he thought. James noted his friend's change.

"If you told me, I wouldn't tell Sirius if you didn't want me to" James said, correctly interpreting what Remus had tried to say. Remus looked up into James' concerned green eyes. To his shame he felt hot tears beginning to run down his cheeks. He put his face in his hands. To his surprise he felt James' strong arms enclose him in a hug and he buried his face in James' strong shoulder and let his tears flow. James held Remus until he was calm again.

"Remus, whatever it is, it can't be worse than feeling like this" James told the now-still Remus. James was torn at his friend's anguish. Remus was breathing slowly again. James loosened his grip on his friend and looked down into his face. Remus' light-brown eyes were red from crying and he looked anxious still.

"James, I want to tell you. I know you'll understand, I…just…." Remus said, but he couldn't continue, his breathing was becoming rapid and labored again.

"Whoa" James said, "Remus, take your time. You don't have to say anything now, just know that I'm here if you need me." Remus smiled. That much he did know.

"Can I ask" James began, "Why you let me hug you, and you won't let Sirius touch you?". Remus looked down. He knew why, but could he bring himself to say so?

**AN **I know it's short, but I want to end it here. I have the next chapter, but I'm not posting it until I gat some reviews. It's a shameless plug, so deal! Reviews are my life, I am extremely co-dependant and I love REVIEWS. They make me happier than chocolate I like chocolate. I'll even give you a response at the end of the chapter because I love you so much.


	2. Sirius' deduction

AN –

I am not an astronomer. If my times don't accord with real moon cycles, I do not care.

This isn't R yet, but it will be soon.

Random tangent time everybody, I hate the caplock Key! I hit it when I don't mean to. It's the bane of my existence! I LOVE the Phantom of the Opera. It is the best movie and the music is amazing, and Gerard Butler is a god. On with the fic.

**Chapter 2**

"I can't James" Remus said, "Because I don't know" Remus knew he was lying. James sighed, he knew Remus was lying.

"Whenever you need someone, I'm here" James said. Remus nodded.

"James..." Remus began, "Don't tell Sirius"

"I won't" James said, "But you'll have to tell him something"

"I'll tell him I don't wan to hear about his girls" Remus said, which _was _true. James nodded.

"Let's head back up to the castle before we're caught" James said as he rose to his feet. The two walked back up to the castle.

* * *

Remus passed the next few weeks pretending to be interested. In truth, he didn't much feel interested in anything anymore. James shot him concerned glances when no one was looking, but Remus didn't respond.

"Remus!" Sirius' voice roused Remus out of his thoughts. "What's up?" Remus sighed inwardly, would no one leave him in his misery.

"Nothing, just thinking"

"I know. It's the full moon isn't it?" Sirius said. "That's why you've been off lately". Remus was relieved to have an excuse presented to him.

"Yeah, you know… it's not fun" he said. Sirius nodded gravely.

"If you'd let us come with you…" Sirius began

"No" Remus said, "You guys almost got caught last year!"

"Fine" Sirius said, "But stop worrying and help me set Lucius' robes on fire". Remus gave a disgusted noise, but he showed Sirius the charm he was looking for.

* * *

Up all alone in his room that night, Remus went over his day. He didn't know how much longer he could bear this. He was actually looking forward to the full moon to get away from everything and everyone. He hated himself. He wasn't fit to be included with them. Remus knew what he had to do, but could he bring himself to do it?

* * *

Sirius, James and Remus were in library finishing their latest potions essay. Remus was just finishing when James yawned and closed his books. Sirius looked up from the scrawl on his parchment and grinned.

"Homework's over?" he asked hopefully. James nodded and Remus added

"Thank god". Sirius smiled and Remus quickly lowered his gaze. He couldn't even meet Sirius' eyes nowadays he thought with humiliation.

"What are we going to do with the rest of the day?" James pondered.

"How about practicing some Quidditch over the lake?" inquired Sirius.

"Sure!" cried James, meet you guys on the pitch in 20 minutes. I'll try to recruit some people to play!" and he ran off toward the exit.

"Coming?" Sirius asked Remus. Remus meanwhile couldn't breathe. _Quidditch over the lake?_ The thought of it brought icy claws cramping down on heart. He hated flying, he couldn't stand heights. He avoided them at all costs. He was also terrified of water. It all seemed so stupid, but the combination of heights over water sent him into spasms of fear. Remus shook his head.

"I'm going to finish my Runes homework" he said. Sirius frowned.

"Come on Remus! It's Quidditch, you love Quidditch!" he said.

"I'll come watch when I'm done" Remus said. Sirius grinned.

"Great! See you then!" he said as he too sped towards the library exit, earning himself an ice-melting glare from madam Pince. Remus was left alone. He couldn't face this fear. He couldn't face any of his fears. Quidditch terrified him, so did Sirius. He wanted nothing more than to be alone and finally safe, yet when he was alone, all he could think of was what he was afraid of. He needed someone, but how could he burden someone else with his problems? He couldn't, and that was that.

* * *

One week later

The full moon was that night and Remus was setting off to the shrieking shack. He wished his friends could be there like before, but last year in October Madame Pomphrey had almost caught his frineds, so Remus had told them not to come. He sighed as he walked across the chilly grounds to meet the nurse and prepared for a long night.

* * *

"Mr. Potter, Mr. Black!" Professor Dumbledore called to the two boys in the corridor leading up to the Great Hall. "Professor Dippett would like to see you in his office immediately". He nodded to them and continued on down the hall. Sirius turned to James and said,

"I wonder what this is about…Did we do anything punishable yesterday?" James took a moment to think,

"No" he said, "I don't even recall causing moderate annoyance yesterday… I dunno, maybe Snape did something and blamed it on us…" Sirius frowned.

"Slimy git…" he muttered, "bet he did…" James sighed,

"Well, best be off, can't keep the headmaster waiting…" They set off to the gargoyle statue and entered the password. As they moved up the staircase, they contemplated what Snape would have said they did. They arrived at the door to Professor Dippett's office and knocked with more spunk than perhaps was necessary.

"Come in boys" the Headmaster called, and the two entered. They sat in the chairs that faced the headmaster's desk. The headmaster looked at James and then at Sirius. "Boys" he said, "I'm sorry to have to tell you this, but your friend Remus was hurt very badly last night. Madame Pomphrey fixed him as best as she could, but we are afraid of what might happen tonight". The headmaster met their anxious eyes with a look of utmost concern.

"Shit!" exclaimed Sirius, "Is he going to be okay?"

"What happened?" demanded James. The Headmaster shook his head,

"We don't know" Professor Dippett said, "Remus says he doesn't remember anything. If you'll excuse me, I have pressing matters to attend to. The two of you have my permission to visit Mr. Lupin today. Good day boys". Sirius and James rushed to the hospital wing. They entered and Madame Pomphrey led them to the cot at the back that was enclosed by white curtains.

"Mr. Lupin, you're friends are here" called Madame Pomphrey, and she opened the curtains so as to admit James and Sirius. They sat on stools on either side of Remus. He was white, and a sheet covered him almost to his chin.

"Hey" Remus said quietly. "Good of you guys to skive off classes to see me" Sirius grinned.

"Any excuse you can give me, mate! But seriously, you look like shit! You okay?"

"Yeah" Remus said, "Just sore…"

"What's with the sheet?" asked James.

"I'm cut up pretty bad" Remus said. James and Sirius winced.

"Well at least you're okay" Sirius said. James nodded.

"Scared us a bit, you did" James said. Remus smiled.

"Little old me?" he asked.

"Any idea as to what happened?" Sirius asked. Remus shook his head.

"None" he said, "Wish I did…" James patted his shoulder,

"We'll get to the bottom of this" he said.

"I'm getting a little tired" Remus said regretfully. James noted that he was looking paler.

"Get some rest so you can come watch the Quidditch match!" Sirius said. "And you have to meet Carla! She's great!" Remus froze. Loathing seared up through him. He began to shake involuntarily.

"What's the matter?" asked Sirius. He went to put a hand on Remus' shoulder, but Remus flinched out of reach. He pretended he was asleep as his friends left.

* * *

James was finishing up his History of Magic essay by the fire when Sirius ran into the Common Room and sat down beside him.

"James" he panted, "I think I know what's wrong with Remus!" James looked up, startled.

"What is it?" he asked. Sirius looked around and bent over.

"I think it's got to do with the girls I'm seeing" Sirius whispered. James stared at him and he continued, "Whenever I mention them, he goes quiet" Sirius said, "I think he…….I think Remus is…….jealous of me…." Sirius finished.

* * *

AN – well, chapter 3 is almost finished, but I require reviews!

I feel the need to thank all my reviewers. I love you all!

Enelya – mmmm chocolate !

Elayna Fournier – he might tell him soon… ;)

Sike – well, what can I say to that?  I REFUSE to be subtle! Not here anyway…

Kokami – I apologize for the typos, I loathe them!

Bitterblacktears – thank you so much…. I hope you liked this…..

Noone – well if I told you, it wouldn't be much fun, would it?

Catty P – yeah..ummm I like to bring time to a standstill so I'm glad you caught that I tried to fix that!

SFB – thanks for the review!


	3. Sirius' Answer

AN well even though I posted the last chapter like, 5 minutes ago… I still want to write, and therefore, I do! Please review! Chapter four is done too, but I REFUSE to post it without reviews.

WARNING this chapter contains some self-harm. Not graphic…chill out, it's not that bad…as those things go….let's all be mature people…

By the by, James is EXTREMELY OOC! He is, in the real books, a sadistic ass-hole who deserves to be treated like the proud scum-bag he was! I HATE that James, but I wanted to change things because I didn't want to use a new character.

Sirius' answer 

James' jaw dropped and Sirius nodded. "I know" he said, "It was hard to believe, but I think he's hurting that he hasn't got a girl like us… I mean you have Lily, and I have…"

"Had every other girl in the school?" asked James. Sirius threw something at him.

"You're not going to start on that too, are you?" Sirius asked. James shrugged,

"No" he said, "but I don't know if Remus…"

"We've got to set him up on a date!" Sirius said, "Then he'll be happy again!" James wasn't so sure. Sirius, however, was ecstatic about the thought. "Let's think up some girls for Remus!" he said.

"Maybe another time" James said, "I think he's tired right now"

"Oh, yeah" Sirius said, looking put-out. "Another time..."

* * *

Remus recovered slowly, and in 4 days he was allowed to return to class. He wished people would leave him alone. Concerned remarks from everyone around were the worst…

* * *

Sirius, James and Remus were sitting on a staircase engaging in Sirius' second favourite sport: pelting Bertie Bott's Every Flavour Beans at passing Slytherins. They were having a great time, and when a professor passed by, they fled back to the courtyard to enjoy a laugh.

"Wow" said Sirius, "...sooooooo much fun! Bet she regretted that time last month… I thought I would die when that one I licked stuck to Narcissa's hat! "Sirius said. James grinned.

"Well, yeah" he said. People around them were laughing and adding in comments. James glanced at Remus who wasn't laughing with them and wiped the grin off his face. He tried to get Remus to look at him, but could not do so. Come to think of it, James thought, Remus never looks anyone in the eye. Sirius was still laughing, oblivious with all the others.

"Let's head up to the library" James said to Remus, who started and nodded. The two headed away from the laughing gang and into the deserted library. Remus plopped down into a chair and put his head on his arms.

"I'm sorry" he said quietly.

"Nothing to be sorry about" James said, "I know how you don't like too many people to be around". Remus nodded,

"Too many people" he whispered. James stood concerned.

"Have you thought about what we talked about before?" he asked Remus.

"…sort of…" Remus said, "I've been busy with assignments and stuff, you know"

"Too right I do" James said with feeling, "4 rolls of parchment! That's cruel and unusual punishment!" Remus grinned. James smiled; it was nice to see Remus smile.

"Well" Remus said, "We'd better get started"

* * *

James was sitting up in his bed with the curtains drawn. He was puzzled. He knew he wanted to help Remus; he also knew that Remus thought he was burdening him. Nonsense, James wanted to help. He didn't want to meddle in Remus' private life, but he didn't like to see his friend so down. He wanted Remus to tell him, but knew he couldn't pressure him. It all comes down to trust, James thought. I hope things will work out.

* * *

Sirius came to breakfast with a large smile on his face. "Hogsmead weekend tomorrow" he said smiling at Remus and James. James winked at Lily, who promptly blushed. Remus looked up from his book,

"Yeah, I saw the notice. I need some supplies" he said.

"Hey Remus, meet me in the Great Hall at 10?" asked Sirius, "I have a surprise for you!"

"Okay" said Remus, looking excited. James was pleased to note this change.

* * *

The next day dawned bright and clear, and Remus arrived in the Great Hall at 9:45. He waited for Sirius, excited. He spotted Sirius and began to smile, and then his stomach fell into ice. Sirius was leading a brunette girl towards him, his latest conquest perhaps. Remus fought to remain calm.

"Remus!" Sirius called, "I can't come, but why don't you come meet Cora? I've told her all about you, and she's excited that you're taking her into Hogsmead" Sirius winked at Remus. Remus meanwhile felt oceans rushing through his head; he was plunged into a new low. Sirius pushed Cora towards him, and then rushed off.

How could he do this to me? Remus thought frantically. I can't…strangers…stop….get out, now!...ow….stop….no…bad…can't….stop….just let me be alone…..quiet!

Remus ran out of the Great Hall, leaving a stunned girl standing alone.

* * *

Remus stopped running when he reached the stands of the Quidditch Pitch. While they were booming with noise during games, now there was no game or practise and they were eerily silent. This did not bother Remus. He needed it, the silence. He was breathing very fast, and when he caught his breath, he began to cry. He felt betrayed, and angry. How could Sirius do this to him? He hated him, more than he had hated anything ever before, even the summer. He hated Sirius for causing the noise, causing the pain to return. Hate…I hate him.

* * *

He returned to the common room around 11pm. He was exhausted. He just couldn't bear this anymore. He wanted to go to bed, but he was afraid Sirius was there. He hastened into his bed and closed the hangings. James and Sirius are asleep, he thought, that's good.

Remus was roused by the sun piercing through his eyelids at what he was certain was an ungodly hour in the morning. "Remus!" Sirius was saying, "Where have you been? You scared the crap out of Cora! She was upset! You shouldn't scare people like that, she was cute. You were blind if you couldn't see she liked you!" Remus felt anguish, hate, sadness, depression and anxiety flush over him all at once. He couldn't breathe, he couldn't think….he was too angry.

"Scared _her_? _She_ was upset? Couldn't see she liked me!" Remus screamed. "I hate you! Go away, leave me alone!...I…..can't….stop……stop…..no….can't….please…..no…….make it stop……I…..please…..help….don't…..bad….stop…..no!" Remus ran and ran and ran. He ran from everything. He ran away from the one he hated, he couldn't bring himself to…..no…..he couldn't face that. He would never think about that again, he couldn't.

"I just can't" Remus said, "I'm done"

* * *

Sirius stood in shock where Remus had left. He had no idea what had happened. Remus had screamed! Remus never even raised his voice anymore. Maybe I was wrong, he thought. I have no clue what is bothering him, but I made it worse with that date….I need to find James.

Sirius ran into the courtyard where James and Lily were.

"James!" he yelled. James and Lily were sitting on a blanket, playing wizard's chess, both looked annoyed. "James, I did something to Remus….he screamed…please…. I don't know what's up, but I need help!" Sirius finished.

"I'll find him!" James said, as he jumped up.

"I'm coming with you!" said both Sirius and Lily. James shook his head.

"I was talking with Remus before… something's up, I don't know what, but he said he'd tell me later. Let me go" Sirius hesitated, then nodded.

* * *

James ran out to the Quidditch Pitch after having searched the Towers, library and courtyards where Remus liked to read. He didn't see anyone, but he looked around. He saw a glint of something and went to investigate. He gasped in horror at what he saw. Remus was lying unconscious on the ground with a knife in his right hand. The works stop and quiet were etched into his left arm and were framed by dried blood. There wasn't much blood, but he had done it all the same. Worse James saw the white and pink lines of old scars that had healed.

"Remus…no….no!" James said, his voice breaking. He kneeled beside his friend and said, "Ennervate!" Remus stirred and James took a step back. Remus opened his eyes. He saw James, and he turned abruptly away.

"Oh Remus" James said, "Please let me help you" Remus heard this, and he sighed. He wanted so much to have James' help, but he was afraid. All of the bad, the evil, he couldn't, but he did.

"James" Remus whispered. He looked into James' eyes and saw concern beyond anything. Remus began to cry and reached out to his friend. James clasped Remus to him as gently as if he were a child and held him as he cried. He whispered to him and tried to comfort him. Remus sobbed and finally rested against James' strong shoulder. James, whose eyes were also wet with tears for his friend, looked down at Remus, wishing he could bear this burden and pain instead of Remus. Remus stopped crying, and James loosened his grip on his friend. The two sat in calm silence for a long while. James knew that Remus would speak if he was ready. Remus broke the silence,

"I want to tell you" Remus said, "I have always wanted to tell you". James nodded. Remus met his eyes.

"I don't know how much I can say at once, but I'll try to get this out" he said.

* * *

AN Well, that's all for now. I hope you enjoyed it!

Oh, and REVIEW !


	4. Out of the Closet

**AN** Contrary to popular belief, I was not cryogenically frozen and sent into orbit around Saturn, but I am sorry I haven't updated for ages….

Hey! 6 days until the sixth book! Well I'm excited anyways… I hope Dumbledore finally kicks it! Sorry, I am a mean, bad person, but have come to accept it.

I am not an astronomer gasp; I know nothing of moon cycles, so deal!

Disclaimer: If I was JK Rowling, I would not have had to spend my life for 2 months applying for scholarships, Uni is expensive, as Rowling is not a Uni student, as I am, then I guess this stuff isn't really mine, I do own some stuff, just not _this particular_ stuff….characters, places etc. If you would like to credit me with them and pay me royalties, hey! I won't complain, but otherwise, well, what can I say?

Chapter 4 Out of the Closet…

Remus took a deep breath. He was scared of what James might say, but he was even more frightened of what he might remember. That dark place, he hid things from his own memory, and if they resurfaced, what would he do? How could he cope? Would he cope? Remus looked down at his hands and saw that they were covered in blood. He shuddered and sank back against James. He knew James would help, he was always there, ready to listen.

"James…..I'm not like you" Remus said. James chuckled,

"Well that's all right…" he said

"I don't envy you for having Lily" Remus added

"That's a good thing" James said puzzled. Wondering what on earth Remus was talking about, he asked, "What's wrong with that? I wouldn't want jealousy to come between our friendship" Remus sighed.

"I've never had a girlfriend" he said. James shrugged,

"You're still young!" he said "Don't give up yet!"

"I don't ever want one" Remus said firmly.

"You just haven't found the right girl yet! You will! You're a great guy!" James protested.

"It's not that. I don't think that _girls_ are right for me" Remus said quietly. Enlightenment struck James like a freight train leaving Montreal at 5pm loaded with 100 tons of bricks.

"Dammit Remus, did you think we'd hate you for that?" James asked. Remus shrugged, but he was inwardly exploding with joy. "We'd accept you no matter what" James said. Remus smiled.

"I thought… I dunno…if I liked guys…it would be awkward to be friends….you wouldn't…be my friends anymore" Remus looked away as he was close to tears again. James grabbed his shoulders and looked Remus in the eyes, and Remus did not flinch away, for once.

"Good God Remus! Why would we hate you for being who you are! We're your friends!" James said.

"Thanks James" Remus whispered.

"That's not all, is it?" James asked, Remus shook his head."Something else is wrong...you can tell me later if you want" James said and Remus nodded,"Hey, let's head back up to the castle and you can forgive Siri…..oh shit! You're mad at him….why _are_ you mad at him….. Oh!" Enlightenment struck James as the second freight train leaving from Vancouver at 7pm loaded with 8 tons of lead struck the train that had left Montreal at 5pm at10pm in Winnipeg.

"You like Sirius" James said at last. Remus nodded slowly as two tears made their way down his cheeks. He was humiliated. Meanwhile James was shocked.

"Oh Remus, how long have you hidden this?" he asked. Remus shrugged.

"Oh, I don't know…Third year"

"Third year! That was forever ago!" James cried. "Remus, Sirius makes you feel different than me…you won't let him touch you. Promise me that you'll try to tell me why" James said. Remus nodded, relieved that his friend understood him and also that he wasn't demanding answers.

"James, I can't tell him" Remus said, anxious once more. "Promise me you'll never say a word to him". James looked concerned.

"Are you going to tell him that you're gay?" he asked. Remus shrugged.

"I guess I should, but I don't want him to hate me" he said. James shook his head.

"Sirius won't hate you for telling him the truth about your feelings" James said. Remus nodded slowly.

"I'll tell him, but you'll come with me, right?"

"Of course" James replied. "You should tell him you like him in private though" Remus' eyes widened.

"I am not going to tell him that!" he said.

"You should" James said. Remus shook his head,

"One shock for him at a time, okay?"

"I'd never reveal any of your secrets Remus" James said seriously. Remus nodded.

"I know that James, I'd trust you with anything, and now you know" he said. "I guess we'd better be getting back up to the castle then" Remus said as he stood. James pulled him back down, put his hands on Remus' shoulders, and stared into his face.

"Remus" he said, "We need to talk about some things before you go back up to the castle".

"What things? I've had enough emotional talking for today, can't it wait?" asked Remus, surprised at how serious and concerned James was.

"You have to listen to me. The things you did today…" James said firmly. "Remus…you hurt yourself, and that's not okay with me" James said with feeling. "Remus…I think you meant to die today". Remus looked away as he remembered what he had done, what he had tried to do. He began to shake as he remembered all of the bad things… he couldn't bear it "REMUS!" James was shaking his shoulders. "Remus listen to me, I know something is terribly wrong, I don't know what and I'm not going to force you to tell me; I can only hope that you will tell me with time, but whatever it is, promise me that you will not hurt yourself again". Remus was stunned. He did not know how James did it, how he managed to hit the nail on the head every time.

"I promise" Remus said.

"Good" said James "If you ever need to talk, I'm here. Now, let's go get you some dinner, and then you'll go with Madame Pomphrey to the Shrieking Shack. I'll be waiting for you there"

"No!" Remus cried "You can't come, you'll get caught!" James shook his head

"I won't get caught, you hurt yourself as Remus, I think you hurt yourself as the wolf too last time, so I'm going" Remus sighed

"You're being overprotective, now that I got that off my chest, I'll be fine, okay?" James looked wary,

"You wouldn't lie to me" he said, "fine, but I'm coming to see you first thing tomorrow morning because you promised to help me with my charms work" Remus smiled,

"I did, didn't I?" he said.

* * *

One week later

Remus was studying for his transfiguration test with Lily when Sirius came into the common room.

"Hey Lily!" he said, and then he noticed who she was sitting with. His eyes fell and his smile vanished and was replaced with hurt. "I've got to go…study" he said, and went over to sit by the fire. Lily looked at Remus, who was looking extremely guilty. This is it, he thought. I can't stand making him so miserable.

"Excuse me Lily" he said apologetically, but Lily smiled and patted his shoulder in encouragement. He had told her that he preferred guys a few days ago, and she had been thrilled. She had told him that every girl wanted a gay guy friend. He smiled faintly, and went over and sat down beside Sirius who looked up, plainly startled.

"Sirius…" Remus said, suddenly very shy and uncomfortable "…I'd like to…say, well…" Remus was having trouble finding his words.

"Let's go upstairs" Sirius suggested. Remus nodded. Once up in their dormitory, Remus sat beside Sirius on his bed.

"I am so sorry to have treated you so badly" Remus began, "but I was really mad at you!" Sirius nodded emphatically,

"I've never seen you so angry!" he said. Remus looked down,

"…I wasn't really mad at you, I was just keeping something bottled up and well…it blew up at you, but I am really sorry. I shouldn't have done that" Remus said apologetically, but Sirius smiled,

"Well, I'm glad that we can still be friends now" he said "What was bothering you anyway?" Remus squared his shoulders,

"Sirius, I'm not like you" Remus said, recalling what he'd said to James. Sirius only shrugged,

"Hey, not everyone can be an example of pure perfection!" he said with a grin.

"Not that…Sirius…I'm gay" Remus said. Sirius' eyes widened, but he didn't say anything.

"James and Lily know" Remus continued, "I hope this doesn't change anything between us, I just couldn't hide who I really am any longer"

"I…I've got to go now" Sirius said, and he strode out of the room, leaving Remus to stare at the empty spot beside him.

"What have I done?" he whispered.

AN well, that's all she wrote…for now, review, please?


	5. And into the Fire

**AN **Hello, hello, hello!

**Hey Sike!** Dumbledore, how old is he? Meh he came with the school!

Disclaimer: Disclaimers are so stupid… I mean, everybody knows I own no rights to Harry Potter or the books, or the movies, so why bother writing this? It's quite funny that you need one every chapter, as if I may have experienced metamorphosis and made myself into JK Rowling in a week or something….the utter lunacy of it all!

Sirius is an intolerant prat in this chapter, this does NOT reflect my view, I feel bad writing it, but the plot bunny runs in ways only it knows. I would send my cat after it, but he's sleeping right now…

…and into the fire 

Remus cursed himself mentally and called himself seven kinds of idiot. He had royally screwed up everything. He did not stand a chance with Serious, and there was only one person he wanted…

"…James…" Remus whispered as he began to cry, "I need you". He needed his friend because he always felt safe with him. "James may be able to help me with Sirius" Remus hoped aloud. "…Fix this mess…" Suddenly the door to the dormitory swung open again to reveal Sirius standing in the doorway, staring at the floor. Remus' heart was in his throat, he did not know what to think.

"Remus" Sirius began quietly, "…I…didn't mean to run away…it was just…such a shock" he said, twining his hands in front of him. "You know we'll be friends no matter what". Sirius smiled at Remus, who managed a faint smile in return. Sirius stepped forward to hug Remus, but Remus flinched away and said,

"I'm going to bed, thanks for being my friend Sirius.

"Sure" Sirius said, looking puzzled. "You know Remus, you can still hug me even though you're…you know". Remus frowned slightly,

"Goodnight Sirius".

* * *

A few days later, Remus, James and Lily were all studying together when Sirius came to join them looking pleased with himself.

"What's with you?" asked James

"You look too happy for me" Lily added, "what is it you've done now?"

"You'll never guess" Sirius began dramatically "Who I caught snogging in a broom closet! Not only that, but I set Filch on them!". Lily rolled her eyes and James sighed.

"Fredrik MacNair and Cecil Brandreath!" Sirius let out a huge guffaw, "the two bum-boys buggering in a…Remus, where are you going?" Lily got up and slapped Sirius across the face and left without a word. James looked disappointedly at Sirius

"You could afford to be more open-minded and watch what you say" he said, following Lily out.

"It was only a joke" Sirius said to no one.

* * *

Remus was running as fast as he could. He reached his bed and flung himself down onto his covers. He did not cry. He was too angry to cry. How dare Sirius be so intolerant! …Making fun of them for snogging maybe, but not just because they were both guys. Come to think of it, Sirius could be pretty intolerant of others… but I do like him, don't I? Of course, I've liked him since sixth year; he's funny, and….

* * *

The next morning, Remus awoke to the sun blaring through his closed eyelids. When he opened his eyes, he saw a figure standing at the end of his bed holding open the curtain.

"Morning Remus" James said. Remus shielded his eyes and replied,

"Morning James. What can I do for you?"

"You can come down to breakfast with me" he said.

"I'm not dressed yet" Remus pointed out, James smiled

"All right, meet me in the great hall then!" he waved and disappeared through the door. Remus got dressed. He heard the door close and jumped; he had thought he was the last one to leave. He opened his curtains and saw Sirius standing before him.

"Remus" Sirius said, "I'm…sorry for what I said yesterday. It was…rude of me"

"I'm sorry I got so angry" Remus said, "I know you were only joking"

"Then why'd you get so mad?" demanded Sirius, Remus shrank back, "Oh, don't worry, you didn't do that much" Sirius smiled. "I think the reason I got so flustered about you being gay is because…..Remus I think I like you". Remus was in shock, he felt as though all his dreams had come true.

"Sirius…I…like you too" Remus whispered. Sirius' eyes widened. He crossed the room and took Remus by the shoulders. Remus flinched.

"Remus" Sirius said "Will you be my boyfriend?"

"Of course" Remus said, breathing hard. Sirius' hold was making very nervous. Sirius leaned forward. He kissed Remus lightly on the lips. Remus' world went black. Bad things…he remembered….make it stop……oh help me someone Ja….pain….I can't….don't make me…please…..blackness…. Remus was struggling against his mind's black grip. Sirius pinned him and kept kissing him. He finally freed Remus, who was now pale and shaking.

"Remus" Sirius said, "I'm glad I affect you so!" he said with a wink. "You know, your kissing needs improvement, you can be playful, but really, you were really moving! I'm going to tell James we're together, you coming?" Remus fought to calm himself.

"Yeah" he said.

"Great!" Sirius said, "I promise we won't take this too fast, if that's what's worrying you…" Remus smiled faintly.

"Okay, yeah, I'm glad Sirius!" he grabbed Sirius' hand, ignoring the anxiety that built in him at the contact.

* * *

James was ecstatic that his friends had found happiness with each other. He still worried about Remus, he had never gotten the chance to talk to him again. Remus seemed happy to be with Sirius, but James noted his discomfort at any contact. Sirius seemed to take this as playfulness and often pinned Remus, but James was not so sure that was the case.

* * *

Sirius and Remus were a couple, and they did most things together. Remus told himself he was happy. And he was, when he was with Sirius, he had what he had secretly wanted for a long time, but at night it was different…it was still there, even though he loved Sirius, he had thought his love would make it go away. Sirius had yet to say he loved Remus back, but Remus knew he did

* * *

Remus woke up from his dream and willed himself not to scream. He was sweating with fear. He hated this. Why did this happen? It was all so dark and terrible. He wished….Sirius thought Remus was just being overly timid, but he wasn't….oh how those sessions hurt….Sirius was vigorous when it came to kissing…..it hurt, but Remus knew that one had to make sacrifices for a relationship to work, right? Remus liked quiet talks about nothing, and Sirius liked, well…..not that they had gone past kissing. Remus hated the contact. It burned the terror in his eyes, but he would never tell. Sirius was forever urging him to be braver. Maybe now he could be, now that he had his boyfriend. But why wasn't Sirius more open to his needs? Remus resolved to talk to Sirius about it.

* * *

Remus found Sirius out on the Quidditch pitch, practising flying. Sirius spotted Remus heading out onto the pitch and landed.

"One day, I'll get you up there with me" Sirius announced with a grin. Remus shuddered.

"Not today, Sirius, I wanted to talk to you about something" Remus said, and Sirius frowned.

"What is it?" he asked. Remus took a deep breath,

"There are some things about our relationship that I think we need to talk about." He said. Sirius' eyebrows lifted.

"There are? What things, besides the great times?" he asked.

" Well" Remus began, "I like it when we study, or play games together, and take walks and stuff, but you should listen to me more when we talk, it's like you don't care, you blow me off, you need to be more attentive to what I feel, I love you…but you scare me when. . .you touch me" Remus finished. "Sirius I want you to listen…"

"No you listen!" Sirius cried, "All I hear is you saying that you would rather read than kiss me. You say you love me, I don't think you do. What kind of boyfriend are you if you are afraid to let me touch you! You need to think about how I feel. Everyone sees it! We're dating, but Ican't touch you! I want touch; I want more than struggling kisses Remus! I think it's you who is the selfish one!" Sirius kicked off from the ground and flew into the night, leaving Remus alone on the Quidditch pitch.

"I'm…."Remus whispered, "I am such an awful, terrible, bad….he's right. It's all my fault!"

**AN** I am a co-dependant, egotistical maniac. I make this notice to you now. Chapter 6 is complete and already written; however, no reviews no chapter!

Oh, and thank you to my 3 lovely reviewers WhiteWolfCub (now you know why he ran…or do you?), Sike & chaeli.meep. You made me very happy.


	6. I Think We'll do Things my Way

**AN**

This fic was written with me listening to one of my favourite songs; Learn to be Lonely, from Phantom of the Opera 2004. It is not inspired by it, per say, but I did listen to it a lot because it inspires the mood. subliminal message - watch Phantom!

The sixth book was great ! It does not apply to this fic, and no, I will not spoil it for all of you SLOW readers. But I am using people from it who apply to the past in the book, ie present in this fic

Disclaimer: do not own, wish I did…not really, I not being known, anonymity is fun.

Chapter 6 – I Think We'll do Things my Way

Remus believed that, like Sirius had said, it was all his fault; but he could not ring himself to apologize. He was afraid of Sirius these days, who shot him evil glares whenever he caught Remus looking his way.

* * *

James was very worried about his two friends. Remus was very sad, and Sirius was being a total prick. Sirius was even borderline...well; James only hoped things were resolved soon. He hated to see his friends at odds with each other. Try as he might, James could not get either of them to talk to one another.

* * *

Remus was not doing very well these days. He was pale and tired. He barely had enough energy to make it through his class work. He had no idea how Sirius and James managed to play Quidditch through it all. He was exhausted. Worst of all, there was the burning guilt of Sirius' words that charred his insides. How could I have treated Sirius so badly? Thought Remus. He was all I had ever wanted, even with the pain.

* * *

One day a few weeks later, Remus and James returned from their late night astronomy class to the tower.

"It's been great being out of trouble, for once" James said. Remus grinned, and James' smile widened.

"Maybe the only plus out of this whole…mess" James said. Remus sobered and said,

"I'm going to apologize to Sirius tonight". James looked at him with an odd look in his eyes. "I think I owe it to him, and I feel truly awful about it". James nodded.

"I'll be downstairs then" he said. Emus continued alone up to their dorm.

"Sirius" Remus called as he entered the room. "Can I talk to you?"

"You have just proven that you can talk to me, so I guess I can't stop you" Sirius' voice said. Remus retreated immediately to the wall, afraid.

"What do you want?" Sirius asked, stepping out from behind his curtains. Remus gulped, he took a steadying breath.

"Sirius, I wanted to apologize" Remus began, flinching as Sirius' expression did not change. "I am sorry that I was so…self-absorbed. I do love you, and I want to make you happy". Sirius lifted an eyebrow.

"You do?" he asked, "because all you've done so far is refuse to touch me, and be all emotional and needy. You need a spine Remus. But I will take you back, because you're cute. But we'll be doing things my way this time. You're too much of a nancy. My way…I think you'll grow out of this shy thing pretty quick!" Sirius was smiling a smile that made Remus very nervous.

Sirius wants me back, he thought joyfully. He wants everything done his way…that's really scary, but like he said, not everything can be about me. I have to get used to the dark and pain, Sirius won't like me if I don't. Like he said, I need to do what he wants. I am so grateful he wants me!

"Thank you Sirius" Remus said in tremulous tones. Sirius merely sighed and said,

"Yes well, I only hope you've learned what a selfish person you are. You'll grow out of it one day. Goodnight Remus".

* * *

Remus was glad to be back with Sirius…for the first while. Sirius was very forceful in the relationship nowadays. Remus knew that he was lucky to have Sirius. But sometimes he thought the pain would take over. Sirius was very vigorous when it came to physical displays of affection. Displays that made Remus cower in pain later, at night, when he was alone. He only hoped things stayed that way. Sirius had been hinting…Remus could not bear to think of that. His dreams haunted him as it was. He did not sleep. The bad thoughts of the day, so clear alone at night. Remus had been evasive of taking their relationship to the next level. He couldn't, his insides froze at the very thought. He didn't want to, but Sirius did. That was all that would matter. He knew he was selfish, and he knew that he had to be more accommodating to Sirius' needs.

* * *

Remus and James were packing up their potions kits, after their afternoon class with professor Slughorn. Their potion had turned out perfectly, partially due to the fact that Sirius hadn't been there to add hastily prepared ingredients. He had told them he was goig to be sick for that period at lunch, much to Remus' dismay.

"Well, shall we go up to the tower to begin all this homework?" asked Remus. James sighed,

"Yeah, I guess…I hate all of this extra work" he muttered. The entered the tower and a cacophonous buzz of noises met their ears.

"Bloody hell!" James cried, "Keep it down to a dull roar people!". Remus shook his head in disgust. It seemed that classes had been cancelled for the afternoon because of a tour of ministry officials, which meant that studying in the common room was out of the question. They headed up to the dorm and heard odd noises. Moaning and whimpering was coming from Sirius' bed. "MacNair must have gotten back at him and locked him up!" Remus cried and ran towards Sirius' four poster bed.

"Remus wait!" James called. Remus wrenched back the curtains and felt as though his heart had been dropped in a vat of liquid nitrogen. Sirius' very naked body was moving on top of Patricia Parkinson's equally naked body. Remus turned and threw back the curtains.

"Remus!" Sirius yelled; he emerged from his bed wearing a sheet. "Look… you're great, but I need women! You knew we could never get married, that's wrong! This is just your raging male hormones! It was fun, but you have to face reality!" Patricia ran past and out the door.

"I loved you" Remus said quietly, staring at the ground, "I have since third year, and you…I thought you…"

"What? Loved you? You're a guy; I only did it because we're friends! Get a grip Remus" Sirius strode past Remus and out the door.

Remus couldn't believe it. He had been played. He began to sob, and he would have fallen had James, who had not left, caught him. Remus sobbed uncontrollably in James' arms. James looked at his friend's quivering form. Something surged in him,

"Remus" James said, "Sirius…is too immature to understand what he says"

"I hate him" Remus sobbed, "He used me, all that time I thought he loved me, I went through so much just to hold his hand…" Remus broke down completely. James rubbed his back and tried to soothe him.

"Remus…shhhhhh…please let me help you…why are you so afraid?" James begged, unable to disguise the pain in his voice. Remus shook his head.

"…I can't…Sirius…" he sobbed. James held him tighter and whispered,

"It's okay, don't worry. We won't talk about that now". Remus felt safe enveloped in his friend's tight hold. James did not loosen his hold. He sat for an hour, simply holding Remus while his friend's sobs subsided. Remus sighed and closed his eyes. James realized he was sleeping. He placed his friend in his bed before getting into his own bed. James felt such pain knowing Remus was hurt, but his face had looked so peaceful as James had placed him into bed.

* * *

**AN **well, there it is… I hope you enjoy it.

And now some reviewers who deserve to be acknowledged…

Chaeli.meep – thanks a lot, you're one of my favourite reviewers!

Shimmer of an angel – yes, I know that feeling…

Sike – whip eh? Thanks for the disclaimer, it **_is_** my word!

WhiteWolfCub – glad you like the tension…

Lampshadesrgreat – glad you lik my writing, I hesitate to say that I have a style, but thanks! I also wanted to say that I love your name

Indy – yeah, well my stories tend to come to a standstill, so I guess I am countering that by making this one move quickly

Thnaks for the reviews Sunflower seeds, mars explorer, Lykaios Nyx, Loreley19, lilvior and anyone I forgot.


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